Use this guide and the potential questions below to start meaningful conversations with your child about personal safety.
Potential Safety Talk Questions:
Use these scenarios to discuss and review personal safety skills with your child.
When do I start talking to my children about their private places?
- First it is important to teach children the correct names for their genitals. You can introduce these words when you are teaching your child the names of other parts of their body. “Here’s your nose, elbow, penis and leg.” The earlier you introduce the names the less “taboo” the private places on the body will be.
Why should I use the proper terms for genitals – it makes me uncomfortable?
- This is a very common question. If you grew up in a household where private places and body development were not openly talked about it may be hard to have these discussions with your children. However, it is an important way to protect children. Sex offenders often use the fact that we do not discuss sexual development and private places with our children at all or until they are older. The average age of a victim of sexual abuse is nine (9). Education is power and can be a deterrent. If an offender knows a child has been educated, he/she may choose a different child to pursue. Additionally, if a child has been abused and uses the correct terms when disclosing it makes it easier for the person being told to understand what happened and to act. For example if a child tells someone “Uncle Joe ate my cookie” as a way to disclose sexual abuse the person being told may not realize the child’s cookie is a euphemism for their genitals and encourage the child to share instead of reporting the abuse.
What can I say to teach my child about their private places?
- Everyone (it does not matter if you are a boy or girl) has four private places on their bodies. They are your mouth, your chest, your penis or vagina and your buttocks or behind. No one should touch your private places without a good reason. There are two reasons it is okay for someone to touch a private place: to keep you clean and healthy.
Should I make my child hug or kiss relatives?
- No. It is important to allow children to decide who they share signs of affection with. Forcing a child to hug or kiss someone tells them they do not have the right to choose who they touch and who touches them. Once children learn they have no control over touches and cannot say no (particularly to adults) they are at increased risk for abuse. It is imperative children learn that they decide who they touch and who touches them, and that they have the right to say “no” to any touch they do not want. This can cause contention within families. Explain to the adults in your child’s life why you as their caregiver allows them to decline touches and say no to other adults. Sex offenders often target passive uneducated children who are taught to accept without question or protest any touch given to them. Additionally, when an adult is forcing a child to give or receive a touch the child does not want, it is important that you as the caregiver stand up and back the child’s request. This allows the child to know you are there to protect them and it allows potential offenders to know you will believe and protect your child. This can be a significant deterrent for an offender.
What else should I teach my child about?
- It is important to teach children the difference between secrets and surprises, about the three kinds of touches and what and who a safe person is.
What is the difference between a secret and surprise?
- A secret is usually something that no one is to know. It is usually about something bad and is never to be told. Secrets make people feel sad, scared, worried or uncomfortable. Surprises are usually something that someone knows about eventually. It is not something that is bad and does not make someone feel sad, scared, worried or uncomfortable. Consider having a family rule where there are no secrets, only surprises. This may be difficult for us as adults and we may have to be creative but in the long run this will increase safety for your child.
What are the three kinds of touches?
- At Prevent Child Abuse Delaware we teach there are three kinds of touches based on the work of Jan Hindman. The three touches are: good, bad and secret touches. Good touches are any touch you like to give and get. They do not hurt or make someone feel sad or scared. Bad touches are any touch that hurts or makes someone feel sad, scared, or worried. A secret touch is any touch you are told to keep secret. The occurrence of secret touches must be shared with a safe person.
How do I talk to my child about safe people?
- Explain what a safe person is and how a safe person will behave. Common words are kind, helpful, protective, and a good listener. Safe people will not hurt someone, will set limits (like wearing a bicycle helmet or not allowing a child to play a particular video game), will not cross personal boundaries, will not ask children to keep secrets from other safe adults, and will not touch a child’s private places unless that person is keeping the child clean or healthy.
Can I have this conversation once?
- No. This topic needs to be discussed often. Children need to hear this information more than once and in different contexts. They need to be able to practice applying this knowledge and ask questions. As children get older, the conversation will change. Use examples and practice with the child, for example you might ask, “What would you do if your bus driver wanted to take you for ice cream but didn’t want you to tell me because he would get in trouble?” Or “What if you were at your friend’s house and that friend’s brother asked you to play a game that made you feel uncomfortable?” Rehearsing what to do and having a plan will help your child feel more confident in dealing with difficult situations and ultimately keep them safer.
Should I tell my child not to let anyone touch their private places?
- No. It is important to remember that in most cases children cannot say no or keep someone from touching their private places. This puts the responsibility unfairly on the child. IF someone has touched the child, he/she will believe it is their fault and not tell. Instead tell the child “IF anyone touches you, makes you feel uncomfortable, weird or is creepy tell me or another safe adult so we can help protect you. Even if it is dad, grandma, Uncle Jim, your teacher or coach it’s okay to tell.”
What do I do if my child discloses abuse?
- Having a child disclose abuse to you is a difficult situation. It can be hard to hear but your response is key to helping the child heal. It is important to believe the child – even if your automatic response is “no, that person is so nice, or I know that person would never harm a child”. Children rarely make up allegations of sexual abuse and sex offenders are very good at manipulating adults into believing they would not hurt a child. Next, listen to what the child is saying and do not ask leading questions. Stay calm so the child will feel comfortable telling. If you get angry or upset often the child will stop talking. Ask the child to tell you more about the situation. Tell the child he/she is brave for telling and did nothing wrong. Remind the child it was not okay for the person to do what they did, but do not talk negatively about the offender. In most cases the child is attached to the offender and does not want the offender to get in trouble. Next, report the abuse. Call the Delaware Child Abuse Report line at 1-800-292-9582 or visit https://kids.delaware.gov/fs/fs_iseethesigns.shtml. In Delaware everyone is a mandated reporter. Finally support the child through the investigation and treatment process.
Your child is playing in the front yard. A person they recognize but do not know well, parks in front of your house. She asks your child to help her with something in her car. What should your child do?
- Remind your child to make a good choice by ‘Always Checking First’ with the safe adult at home before talking to anyone or going anywhere with anyone, but especially with someone they don’t know well or at all. Encourage them to use the Safety Rules if needed which include ‘Saying No’ to the person, ‘Getting Away’ from the person/situation and ‘Telling Someone’ as soon as possible. They can also yell for help in emergencies. Remind them that adults they do not know do not need to ask children for help with things like getting directions or finding their lost dog, they can ask other adults to help them with those things. Tell them it is okay to say ‘No’ to an adult they don’t know or if any adult asks them to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable, scared, sad or worried.
Your child is at their friend’s house. Their friend’s older sibling shows them a picture on their phone that gives your child that “uh-oh” feeling and makes them feel uncomfortable. This person tells your child they are sorry and asks them not to tell anyone. What should your child do?
- Discuss this scenario in a calm and honest way. Always reinforce that your child can tell you anything, even when that might be hard to do. Talk about how it made them feel and how they could handle the situation. Maybe they are embarrassed or worried about getting themselves or someone else in trouble or are concerned about how you will react when they share these types of issues. Remind them that it is always important to speak up about anything that makes them feel uncomfortable so that you can help them manage those feelings and address the situation. Talk about how it is important to not keep secrets about anything that feels bad/wrong to them. Discuss other examples of good vs. bad secrets.
Someone your child is talking to online asks them to send a picture of their body. What should your child do?
- Encourage your child to tell you about anyone asking them to send pictures of themselves or for other personal information. Remind your child that not everyone online is who they say they are, and it is not safe to share pictures of any part of their body with someone online. Talk about how it would make them feel if this happened. Discuss how once pictures/information is shared with someone, it is out of their control what that person does with that content. That information can be saved, shared, edited or posted on other platforms without permission. It is also very difficult to get pictures removed from the internet once they are shared. If your child tells you that he/she shared private information with someone, react calmly and resist the urge to punish them by taking away their device or screen time. This might make it unlikely that they will tell you about other problems they might encounter in the future. This does not mean, however, that there should be no consequences or boundaries put in place with regards to the internet or use of social media.
Your child’s friend confides in them that a neighbor is touching their private places. They do not want your child to tell you or anyone else what is happening because they are scared. What should your child do?
- This can be a difficult topic to talk about with your child, but it is very important. Discuss the topic in a calm and honest way. Talk about how your child’s friend is feeling and how they would feel about knowing this information and how they could handle it. Make sure to emphasize that it’s important for a safe adult to be aware of what is happening so they can ensure the friend receives help and is protected. Reinforce the difference between keeping good and bad secrets and that they can always talk to you about anything they feel sad, scared or worried about. Remind them that it is never okay for anyone to touch private places on their body unless it is to keep them clean or healthy and additionally, that this is never ever their fault if it does happen.
Your extended family member wants to hug and kiss your child, but your child appears shy/uncomfortable with this or states that they do not like it. What should you do?
- It is important to allow children to decide who they share signs of affection with. Forcing a child to hug or kiss someone tells them they do not have the right to choose who they touch and who touches them. It is important to reinforce that their bodies belong to them, and they should get to choose which touches they do or don’t like and that it is okay to say “No” to any touch they do not want. This can be difficult for a child to do, especially with an adult they care about. This can sometimes cause contention within families. Explain to the adults in your child’s life that you as their caregiver allow your child to decline touches they do not want. It is important to back up the child’s request – this allows your child to know you are there to protect them and it allows potential offenders to know you will believe and protect your child. If children learn they have no control over touches and cannot say no (particularly to adults) they are at increased risk for abuse. Sex offenders often target passive, uneducated children who are taught to accept without question or protest any touch given to them. Supporting your child in this way can be a significant deterrent for an offender.
What else can I do to protect children?
- Be familiar with the signs of abuse.
- Be present. Often children are dropped off at activities or friends’ homes as caregivers are busy tending to other activities. Unfortunately, this puts children at risk. Caregivers who are present at their children's activities, like sports practices or scouts, send clear messages to the other adults. I am present and aware of what is happening in my child’s life. When caregivers drop and run, their children can appear vulnerable and can be at increased risk.
- Be sure all the activities your children participate in are observable and interruptible. Look for programs where children are not in a one adult: one child situation.
- Be unpredictable with supervision.
- Be sure to speak up when someone does something that makes you or your child feel uncomfortable. Darkness to Light suggests using these three steps:
- Describe the behavior
- Set the limit
- Move on
- Example: An adult is tickling a child and the child keeps telling the adult to stop but the adult is not stopping.
- You say: “Hey, Frankie is asking you to stop tickling him. In our home, when a child says stop to any touch, we stop. Frankie lets go outside and play.”
- This can be hard to do but is very important to protect children. In most cases, the person isn’t trying to intentionally hurt the child, but it lets everyone know the limit and that you are willing to enforce that limit. It allows the child to know you are there to protect them and teaches them it is okay to speak up when someone is breaking a boundary. If a child is being hurt, that child is much more likely to tell an adult they’ve witnessed setting boundaries.